I'm slowly working my way through Anthony Bourdain's 'The Nasty Bits,' which is a collection of essays about food.

I've read, and immensely enjoyed two other books by Bourdain -the hilarious 'Kitchen Confidential,' as well as 'A Cook's Tour,' so when I saw this new release, I had to snatch it up immediately.

So, in the spirit of Bourdain's attempt to enlighten the reader towards enjoying a better meal, I Joe Toole, have taken it upon myself to enlighten some of you towards getting better service at a busy bar.

Here, in no particular order, are a couple of pointers to help make your drunken visit to a busy bar/club a little more enjoyable:

-Know what you want. Spend the time waiting, getting your order together. I'm sorry that you have to wait at all, but in a busy bar, it's a fact of life. There's nothing worse than a person getting to the bar and then fucking about wondering what they want. That's when I go serve someone else until you get it together.

Yes, I'm a prick.

-Do you have a mind of your own? Here's one of my faves: Occasionally, I'll get two people at the bar who's drink orders seem to be dependant upon each other. "I'm not sure what I'm gonna have……. what are you having?" -as if what your friend puts into his/her body is going to affect you. 

Bye-Bye! (see first point)

Yes, I'm a prick

-For chrissakes! Make sure you have the dough-re-mi to pay for your drink(s) You've waited five minutes in line for a drink, you finally get to order, your lovely refreshing beverage arrives, and what? WHAT? You don't have any money with you? Yoink!!! there goes your drink. AND you have to start all over at the back of the line again.

No, I'm not gonna give it to you and let you pay me next time. If there are 600 people in the club, I'm not about to go hunting you down when you drunkenly forget.

-Get the fuck away from me once you've received your drinks. Give somebody else room at the bar to order. Hopefully others will do the same for you when it's your turn.

Yes, I'm a prick.

-Don't cut in front of someone else to get ahead. Nothing worse that some asshole barging up to the bar with a look on their face that seems to scream 'I'm gonna shit in my pants' and bellowing orders at the side of my head. You might not believe this, but after many years of bartending, I've developed an heightened sense of peripheral vision (just like Wayne Gretzky) and I can see who's next. It's all about observing without making eye contact.

If you cut in, I'll probably notice, and call you on it, which basically means me telling you to fuck off.

Did I mention that I'm a prick?

-Remember that old expression, 'Garbage in, garbage out?' Well, that's how I operate. Politeness and patience begets more politeness and patience. However, if you're an asshole, I'm a bigger asshole. I can out asshole anyone in the bar. And remember: I'm the one who's got what YOU want.

-Sorry ladies…… shaking your tits in my face while I'm mixing drinks in the well doesn't get you quicker service. Wait your fucking turn. I guaran-fucking-tee you certainly won't be shaking those jugs at me if I was on the other side of the bar. Quit whoring yourself.

Also, NO, I'M NOT GONNA GIVE YOU A FREE DRINK BECAUSE YOU'RE CUTE, OR BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT A SUGGESTIVE SMILE. Fuck off. You're a whore. And for all you femenists out there: Don't think I'm being a scumbag here by calling these tramps whores. They're the one's setting your cause back a couple of decades -not me.

-No, I don't make Krispy Crunch shots; Little Green Men shots; Slippery fucking Nipple shots; Sour Urinal shots; or anyother fucked up shot that you dreamed up on the bus in from suburbia, and automatically expect everyone to know what you mean.  

Whoops  ……..I mean……..  "Why YES!! I can make that for you!!!"

I'll toss a few bottles of liqueur around in front of you, pour some unknown combination of junk into a shot glass, call it what you asked for, and sell it to you at an inflated price. You'll pay, bang it back in one quick gulp, and say "That's the best Camel Toe shot (or whateverthefuck glass of shit shot that you asked for) I've ever had!!!!

-Don't touch a fucking thing until I'm finished. I'll hand it to you! I can't believe how many people want to move, or fidget with a glass I'm about to pour a shot into. Fuck off, already!!! As a high volume bartender, I've got everything placed exactly where it's supposed to be. I could probably work an entire shift with my eyes closed.

If I put six shot glasses on the bar to pour you and your friends a round DON'T FUCKING TOUCH THEM UNTIL I'M FINISHED!! If you want me to pour your shot all over the bar, or all over the back of your hand, go right ahead and treat those shot glasses as if you were playing checkers with 'em.

All over the bar, or in your belly, you're still paying for em'!!

-Yes, I make mistakes. If I'm selling upwards of two thousand drinks a night, something's probably gonna fuck up at some point. Relax. Calmly point out the problem, and I'll give you a new drink. In most cases, I'll probably give you a double, or an extra beer.

So there you go. Have fun, get morbidly drunk, run naked through the bar and puke in the can, for all I care (I've got my own staff washroom) but never, under any circumstance, ever, fuck with the bartender. He/She is your friend with the booze.

Me? I'm always in a good mood at work. I love my job. So, if I'm being curt, or maybe even cursing you out, you're the problem. It's like that old poker expression: 'If you sit down at a table of of other card players, and you can't spot the sucker, YOU'RE the sucker.'

chin-chin

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