Tomorrow, Sunday July 1st., Canada officially celebrates it's one-hundred and fourtieth birthday.

Yes, Tomorrow is Canada day; a day of patriotic chest thumping, massive street parades, fireworks, and hoards of  teens aimlessly staggering around, sloshed on the beer that they've 'liberated' from their drunken fathers.

Mmmmmmmmm………… stolen beer!

Each year, the newspapers print articles about 'What it means to be a Canadian,' or explanations of 'How we are different from our neighbors down south.' We need to be reminded. We're confused. Hell, the Queen's portrait still graces our money…..

We are reminded of our tenacity as reflected in our national sport hockey, (sorry lacrosse, your fifteen minutes of fame are long over) unless of course it's a strike year.

We revel in the fact that our social policies, particularly our health care system, is one of the best in the world -just try not to get sick on a weekend, or let anything happen to your teeth. Apparently severe toothaches, swollen gums, and exposed nerves aren't un-healthy! We're not covered for such trivialities.

We pat each other on the back, taking pride that Canada is a shining, multicultural example for the world to marvel at, conveniently overlooking the aboriginal people. (Who, by the way, in an informal census conducted by yours truly, prefer to be called 'Indians')

So….. having said all that, here's a list of things that are unique to us Canadians. See if you make the grade:

Canadian Tire money.  

The two-four.  

'Zed', NOT 'zee'.   

Blind compliance coupled with dilligent politeness (Q: How do you get five Canadian guys out of your swimming pool? A: Ask them!)    

Tim Hortons (Fittingly, now  owned by Americans) 

Don Cherry, AND Ricky from The Trailer Park Boys. Need I say more?      

Kraft Dinner at least twice a week. (We eat more of this shit per-capita, than any other nation on earth)        

Ketchup chips.    

Poutine.    

A bold, yet futile attempt to use the metric system. Anyone know how much 50cl of beer is? What the fuck is a decimeter?   

'Eh?' as a noun; 'Eh?' as an interjection; 'Eh?' as a question; 'Eh?' used in the retorical sense; 'Eh!!!' used as an adjective (only when used in conjunction with the 'two thumbs up' hand sign, al la The Fonz) And last, but certainly not least, the beloved 'Eh' when used after 'fucking', to signify that everything is right with the world, as in "I gotta two-four uv Ex, and a full deck uh smokes. I'm gettin' fucked up tonight! FUCKIN' EH!!!"

Oh yeah….. I'll let you non Canadians in on a little secret that may or may not cause me to have my citizenship revoked, forcing me to annoy you from the island of St. Pierre or Miquelon:

Us tête carrées (Q: How many aspirins does it take for an anglophone to cure a headache? A: four. One for each point) don't really hate the frogs, nor do they hate us. Our feigned animosity is just something we digress to when we're bored.

Which is most of the time.

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